Music Notes 3.11

Horns

Well, winter fooled me again. A few sunny days and I go and throw out all my warm clothes. “It’ll never be cold again!” I exclaimed, drunk from the warmth--and beer. Short story shorter, the guy living in my alley is a lot warmer these cold nights. Why all this talk of weather in a music column? As I’ve mentioned earlier, my music selection relies heavily on the climate. Freezing equals black metal and hotballs means stoner rock / doom. Within that range there is a little more leeway in regards to my choices, with hard rock / thrash scaling towards the warmer weather and progressive / melodic death towards the colder temperatures. That said, the transitional seasons are kind of a hodgepodge of stylings. Before we look at my selections for the month, I’d like to tell you more about my music collection.

Cheeseburger Haiku - Fortago Burger Bar

That was rough. 

My goodness, has it really been over a month since my last Haiku? For shame, Josh. For shame. I am disappoint.

I don't know if you've seen those ads on TV lately, those PSAs warning about the dangers of BWS, but let me tell you firsthand: Burger Withdrawal Syndrome is no laughing matter. Sure, the ad may portray it as humorous in an attempt to illicit the kind of emotional response that will make you think twice before skipping burger time. But what they don't tell you about is what it does to your innards (which, if I'm not mistaken, is comprised of guts, black stuff, and about fifty Slim Jims). BWS carries with it the very real risk of lost weight (never mind those fliers you're throwing up on vacant buildings and lampposts all over town, it ain't coming back), extra energy (I mean, really, who wants to take the stairs up that half flight of stairs, when you can take the lift to the second floor and come down a half flight?) and a non-offensive odor (kiss those beefy toots good-bye). No matter which way you look at it, BWS is something to be avoided at all costs. Heed my words my burger brethren. Heed them well.

Movie Time - 3.11

Hey folks, I'm still experimenting with formats and such. I'm not sure if I want to update this column monthly or just whenever I get caught up on reviews. We'll just have to see how it pans out for me. As an added bonus for all you readers out there who subscribe to Netflix, clicking the pictures will bring you there for ease of updating your queue. Here's the latest batch of movies.





Gone Baby Gone - This movie was not what I expected at all. I thought this was the Beiber biopic what I got instead was an Affleck joint with a heap of Ed Harris and a dollop of Morgan Freeman. In this movie, an Affleck and his girlfriend get hired to augment the police investigation of a missing girl (the eponymous ‘Baby’), and after a series of twists and turns find that the case of the missing youth is a lot more complicated than once thought. The mystery elements play out well, and the Affleck, which happens to be Casey Affleck, is pretty convincing as a tough guy with a weenie physique. The final twist at the end really gets you thinking, which I thought was a pretty powerful note to end on.

Books is Good, Mostly - Volume 2

On Writing - Stephen King

What a splendid read! One of the things that keeps me coming back to King’s books is the down to earth, almost anecdotal way he narrates his stories. He doesn’t get too bogged down in themes and symbolism all that much, but rather just spins a good yarn. One thing that always grates on me about his writing is that the tale will invariably contain a main character who is a writer, or be set in Maine, or be about a writer living in Maine.

On Writing is no different.

I feel like this book is essential reading for any aspiring writers out there, but that’s not to say that it is only limited to budding wordsmiths. As usual, King tells it how it is. To paraphrase, “A bad writer will never be a mediocre writer and a good writer will never be a great writer, but with persistence a mediocre writer can become a good writer.” That right there is the best piece of advice I got from the book. To put it bluntly, some people suck and shouldn’t write while others have a natural talent. For the rest of us, it just takes some hard work. Good to hear from the master.

The book covered some pretty personal tales from King’s past as an alcoholic and a drug addict, even mentioning that he was totally coked out most of the time he was writing Tommyknockers (which might explain the sour taste that book left in my mouth). There’s some inspirational moments as he overcame first the addictions and then the infamous car accident that nearly left him dead in a ditch. In both cases, he claims that (along with the love of his family and such) writing saved him.

It’s easy to see why the guy turns out 800 page book after 800 page book year after year: he loves what he does. That’s pretty cool. This is definitely getting a reread.

Coming to New York? Read This

Hey folks, if anyone out there in blogsville is planning on paying me a visit in NYC, here's my mission for you. You will not be allowed into the Alan Dale unless the following conditions are met:

Before going to the airport, take Bart to Mission/ 16th Street. Head east down 16th until you reach Bryant. Turn left. Walk one block north until you reach 1590 Bryant. You will see a store called Sports Basement. Go in there.


Now, head to the camping aisle. Look for the portable food storage units, you may know them as coolers. Find a small snack collapsible lunch cooler with reflective thermal lining and an extra pocket for ice/ heat packs. Select one that is both affordable and fashionable, preferably something that goes with your air travel ensemble. Next, look for instant heat packs. You're going to want something that is not liquid based, for insurance purposes. If you can not find a variety that is not liquid or gel based, make sure you find one that is under 3.5 ounces by volume. Purchase at least two packs, unless they come in a two pack, then one will suffice. At the register be as discreet as possible, you don't want to tip anyone off as to what you're doing. Get cash back if you haven't any, you'll need it.


Once you've got the supplies, on to your next mission. Go back towards the Bart station stop, but go past it until you reach 3071 16th Street. Go in there. On the wall, you will see a menu, it will be in a language that is foreign to you. The language barrier shouldn't matter. Go to the counter and ask for Jose, he will take care of you. Tell him that you want the following: a super burrito (burr-eat-oh) on a flour tortilla (tor-tea-a) with carnitas (car-neat-ahz). He will say something to you, smile like you understand. Say 'black beans.' If he says anything else, just nod in agreement. Once the order is complete, exchange money for the package. It will be wrapped in foil. This is good, foil is your friend. Before leaving the establishment, put the package in the container you bought.

Get back on the Bart train and head for the airport. Take the appropriate actions in getting to your plane, but be mindful of the package. There are people there, at the airport, they will appear to be security agents and ask you to reveal the contents of your package. For goodness sake, don't let them confiscate the cargo. It is too precious!

After boarding the plane, you must remain vigilant, for at any time, the contents of your carry-on luggage can get cold. You must avoid this at all costs. When the foil lining is just a few degrees above the ambient, ignite the first heat pack and place it next to the package. This should keep it warm for the first leg of your trip. Opening the container at this point will release a delicious aroma into the cabin. It will likely tempt you into unsheathing the foil wrapping. DO NOT EAT MY BURRITO.

Stay mindful of the temperature of your cargo, never letting it drop too low. Use the other heat pack when necessary. Hopefully by then you will have disembarked the plane and be on the subway. This will be your most difficult test, for you see, though New York is hailed as the cultural epicenter of America, it is actually a barren wasteland populated by deprived individuals. Most of them have never eaten a decent burrito and will do anything to intercept the package. Two operatives have been lost on previous missions, but I trust that you will be able to drive back the masses.

Upon arriving at your destination, hand the package over and watch as I woof that bad boy down. After my burrito coma has subsided, I will gladly put on any suspenders you wish.

This is your mission, you have no choice but to accept it.

Music Notes 2.11

The cold weather must end! My new found love of black metal correlates exactly with the amount of snow on the ground. As it turns out, I can only listen to so much black metal so thank Satan that the sun is starting to show itself and the days are getting longer. Got plenty of rain this month, which I’m finding lends itself well to heavier progressive rock stylings.

From here on out, I’ll just highlight six albums that I found particularly rocking for the month with a bonus vinyl selection. I am by no means a music journalist (my range of describing music runs from rocking to not-rocking), so I’ll try my best to explore topics other than musicianship or songwriting abilities, like my history with the band or album, and the particular mood the music evokes. Without further hullabaloo, here are six for February:

Tool - 10,000 Days - Never quite grew on me like the rest of their catalogue, but it’s Tool, so it rocks more balls than most. It’s got some weird parts, and you can definitely hear the Meshuggah reference. The coolest part might how they recorded ‘Viginiti Tres’ to sync up with ’Wings for Marie’ parts 1 and 2 to make one mega song.

Warrel Dane - Praises to the War Machine - Like Nevermore, but mellower. Definitely a showcase for Warrel Dane’s lyrical and vocal prowess, which is a little more political than his Nevermore efforts. There’s a lot to like here, and it’s different enough from Nevermore to keep me reaching for it in equal measure with his other stuff. The main downside of this album: no songs about sentient robots.

Ahab - Call of the Wretched Sea - As it turns out, I enjoy music about the great American epic Moby Dick more than I like the book itself. Here we have some crushing doom metal lyrically inspired by the monomaniacal captain of the Pequod. I generally keep this type of music reserved for warmer climes, but as I neared the end of the book, I needed something to keep me going. For the last 60 or so pages of the book I read with this album on in the background on repeat. I must say that it really added to the atmosphere of the book. Doom is a great genre for background music, with its slow pace and sub guttural growls, and Call of the Wretched Sea has both of those things by the barrel full.

Blind Guardian - At the Edge of Time - This came out a about five months ago and it still feels new, the songs just haven’t settled in to my Blind Guardian database. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. The album runs the gamut from epic to rollicking to ballad-y, and carries with it the unblemished sheen than has become the hallmark of BG production values over the past few albums. From A Night at the Opera to A Twist in the Myth, this album is very much the next Blind Guardian album. They have their sound and they are sharpening and refining it; this album doesn’t pull too many new tricks out of the bag. Though the album feels a little stagnant, I’m not sure that their lack of progression is the cause of it. Perhaps I’m just partial to their back catalogue and this one needs more time to saturate. Overall, I like the album and I want to like it more--up to the level of their other efforts. A few more listens are in order, and that shouldn’t be a problem because Blind Guardian are one of the few bands that I listen to year round and at any temperature.

Oddysey - Schematics - This four song EP offers some some instrumental progressive rock that is definitely worth a listen. The best part: it’s free. You can download the entire album at odysseyspokane.bandcamp.com. I really enjoy the style of music they play and am always looking for new bands to expand my musical knowledge, but I probably never would have checked this band out has this album not been free. Free! I think this is a wonderful way for up and coming bands to get exposure. I’m definitely going to keep my eye on this group and see where they go from here. I think more bands should do this to bring in more listeners. More listeners means more fans means more concerts and merchandise sold. Check this band out if you like solid instrumental rock. Did I mention it’s free?

Evergrey - The Glorious Collision - So I was scanning this list last week when it occurred to me that Evergrey had a new album coming out. Considering I am pretty much out of the loop these days, it wasn’t a big shock for me to just be discovering this. Evergrey is one of those bands that I’d never list among my favorites but I still reach for their stuff more often than most other stuff I have. The price was decent so I ordered it on Amazon. Though I’ve only listened to it a few times, I’m pretty sure I’m going to like this album as I am a sucker for Tom Englund’s vocals. We’ll see how this album stacks up against their back catalogue.

Vinyl selection of the month:

Judas Priest - Unleashed in the East - Yes! I freaking love this album. Having been a Priest fan for about seven years now it’s always been a secret shame of mine that I never had this album. So when I saw it on vinyl, I had to fork over the cash. I’m glad I did. This live album plays like a greatest hits of early Judas Priest, except more amped up on leather. Great album. Judas Priest! Yes!

Movie Time - 2.11

Hey folks, here's a round up of the movies I watched in February.

City of God - This movie reminded me a lot of my childhood growing up in the slums of San Lorenzo, aka the City of Ducks. The movie nicely weaves together the stories of several people coming of age in some pretty bleak conditions. This movie is not a feel good movie in the least, but the characters are so charismatic and alive that you sometimes forget what a craphole situation they’re in. Awesome movie but be warned, this is what I like to call one of them ‘reading movies.’

Timecrimes - Another one of them reading movies, this time from Spain. This one has an interesting time travel concept, where a dude encounters some bad stuff and is given a second chance to make things right by the use of milky time travel tech. I must say that while the concepts of this movie were good (time travel, spying of a woman undressing in the woods, etc.), the execution was iffy at best. I felt like the dude bro was just doing things because that was the way the movie was scripted, either that or he’s really stupid. Oh well, it was worth a shot. I feel like I’ll have a better chance with Terry Gilliam’s Time Bandits for some crimes in time. Check back soon; it’s in my queue.

The Game - This was one of my faves but over the past seven or eight years I’ve fallen out of touch with it. The movie is good--a total mindfrack. My biggest qualm with the movie nowadays is the ending: after the unexpected twist ending, Michael Douglas should be pissed off. A lot pissed off. But instead, he’s all like “Oh, whatev’s. Thanks for the B-day gift, Bro Sean Penn.”

Ratatouille - For all my love of Pixar, I had never previously seen this movie. For some reason or another I just never had the opportunity to do so, and the one time I did sit down to watch it I accidentally took an angry nap (you know, the kind of nap where you wake up sweating and really upset). After that, I was in no mood to continue. So a year and a half later, I finally got this on Blu-Ray and gave it a gander. Surprise, surprise, I enjoyed it. Leave it to the good folks at Pixar to make likeable characters of rats and the French. The movie didn’t knock my socks off, but even a middle of the pack Pixar movie is head and shoulders above most other animated crap out there. Did you hear they’re making a Shrek 5? I hope I’m joking.

F for Fake - A 1970’s documentary about some world class fakery, as presented by Orson Wells, who I have to say, is a truly wonderful narrator. Think James Earl Jones mixed with Shatner. The hoaxes presented herein are about a painter who got a bunch of his works into various art museums under the assumption that they were bona fide originals from famous artists. Another was about the Howard Hughes Biography hoax. The main thing I got from this movie is that the so-called experts are actually just “experts.” By using their expertise to define their expertise, it didn’t take much for the wool to be pulled over their eyes.

Exam - I love these kind of movies: eight people in a room given eighty minutes to figure out the answer to a question. Except they don’t know what the question is. The person to answer correctly gets the job (this is in the near future, at some super mega corporation). Similar to The Cube, but not as many elaborate death traps. It’s great to watch people go from cooperation to fisticuffs when put in seemingly impossible situations. I love to watch how humanity crumbles when all bets are off, like after I bust ass in the subway and riots break out. Ha!

Robocop - Balls awesome.

That's all for this month. Thanks y'all.

Books is Good, Mostly - Volume 1

The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman
Classic Gaiman. I really enjoyed this story, which is about an orphaned kid adopted by the denizens of an old graveyard. Each chapter is, more or less, a short story in the life of the boy. Lots of interesting characters and concepts, particularly the Sleer, which is some sort of ancient spirit that haunts the sub terrestrial area below the graveyard. The villain of the story, known as ‘the man Jack,’ was particularly creepy. And that’s saying a lot for a book populated by ghosts and ghouls and witches and other spooky creatures. I can definitely see myself reading this again.




Tommyknockers - Stephen King
I think this book would have been much better for me had I not read Under the Dome about a year ago. Tommyknockers just felt inferior to that tale in every way. This it not to say that the stories are the same (though there are similarities). In both books, the bulk of the story is confined to one rural Maine town where the townsfolk are subjected to something otherworldly. Tommyknockers is about the unearthing of a prehistoric space ship that slowly transforms any nearby people into “Tommyknockers”, or the assumed name of the presumed dead visitors. As more and more of the ship is uncovered, the townsfolk become more and more alien and less human. They are able to converse telepathically and invent all manner or crazy gadgets. Under the Dome is about a town that is trapped under a dome. Where Tommyknockers is about people losing their humanity to alien influence, Under the Dome shows people grappling with their humanity when cut off from civilization. Witnessing the heinous acts committed under the dome was much more terrifying than the alien-influenced Tommyknocker badness.

Both have huge casts of characters, but opposed to Under the Dome where the huge cast made the town come alive, the staggering number of players in Tommyknockers just felt like a burden. Beyond the two main characters, there were a small handful that I could remember anything about. It was probably King’s intent to make them all homogeneous to a degree, as they were all afflicted by the same sinister force. The biggest downfall of the book is that there was hardly any heroes. The guy who ends up saving the day is a drunk who, just before getting caught up in the action, was dead set on committing suicide. Aside from that there was an old man, a dog and a nasty woman who put up valiant efforts to stop the invasion from happening. Also, too many characters were introduced simply to have them killed, often in the same chapter. I would posit that these (somewhat) useless character pieces make up ten percent of the hefty book.
Now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest, did I hate it? No. It was Stephen King doing what Stephen King does. I probably wouldn’t recommend it over the other King books I’ve read. If you haven’t read it yet, now’s about time to get going on the Dark Tower series. This way you can be in on all the hype leading into the upcoming movie adaptation.





Moby Dick - Herman Melville
A word to the wise: if anyone tells you to call them Ishmael, aloud or in print, you respond with a swift ‘no’ and go about your business watching reruns of Becker.
I finally finished this beast of a book. It took a long time. Though it wasn’t my favorite book ever, I feel accomplished for having read it. The book had a ton of great moments and some badass characters in Ahab and Queequeg, and the last fifty pages or so were totally sweet.
There was a ton of bookage that I did not enjoy, however. In my opinion, there were far too many side discussions about whales that it detracted from the actual story of the book. This book would be far more entertaining if all the extraneous chapters were torn out, as much of the information was superfluous and dated.
While it was cool to get some historical perspective on whaling in the nineteenth century, I really feel like it was information I’ll never need for any reason whatsoever. Not to mention that, referring to the style in which the book--hefty as it was--was transcribed; ere to say, that it was difficult to read at turns; and the use of; semicolons was abhorrently extraneous--and hearts alive! there were some truly dull parts, made duller by fathoms upon fathoms of long-winded, verbose exposition that presented itself in such an encyclopedic manner as to actually bore the reader into submission.
In the end, I think I see what Melville was going for. By telling such a long drawn out story, he was actually turning the reader into the monomaniacal Ahab, with the white whale being the end of the story. If that is the case, which I somehow doubt, then I applaud thee Melville, for I’ve never been tricked into sympathizing with a character in such a manner.
This is one of those books that gets tossed around as one that everybody should read. Do I agree with that? Probably not if you’re looking for casual read. But definitely if you’re trying to get into Rene Russo’s pants. Bazinga!

Cheeseburger Haiku - Island Burger

Hey y'all, back with yet another exciting installment of Cheeseburger Haiku. My name is Josh and I'll be your host this evening. Before we get started, does anyone have any questions? No? Well then, alright, in the words of the great Al Bundy, "Let's Rock."

Today we have Island Burgers and Shakes, a burger and chicken sandwich joint in Heck's Kitchen. This place is amazing. Hands down my favorite burger place so far in the city. With over sixty burgers to choose from, there are lots of burgers to choose from. I chose the Bourbon Street Burger, which comes as follows: blackened with bacon, jack cheese, bayou mayo, grilled onion on sourdough (I opted to get ciabatta for a mere 75 cents more (anyone else notice the lack of a 'cents' symbol on the keyboard? I guess it must not be too necessary if I'm just realizing this now.)).

The place was small but we were seated pretty quickly. One thing I noticed while we waited was that I was dealing with the oft-troublesome thick burger. This hunk o' meat was well over an inch thick at the edges. Fearing a terrible case of the dry meat grinds from the thickness of the burger, I ordered mine med-rare instead of medium. When the burger came, my fears were put to rest by the juicy beast before me. This thing was about as far from the dry meat grinds as could be, putting it in the territory of the dreaded soggy bottom bun (shudder). But worry not, my burger brethren, as I mentioned earlier, I ordered the ciabatta bun, aka the top of the line in preventing SBB.

So the burger was juicy, but was it tasty? Heck yes it was! This was by far my favorite burger in NYC to date. Move on over CK14, we've got a new contender for best of the not west. The meat was oh-so juicy and packed with flavor, so much so that I could see myself eating it on a plain hamburger, not that I'd ever venture into such foolish territory. The toppings were spot on and the bayou mayo packed quite a punch, but not so much that a little beer couldn't quench. I woofed this bad boy down like Homer after he found that Krusty Burger on that off shore oil rig ("We tried to tell you, these are unmanned oil rigs."). I washed it all down with a nice cool Anchor Steam Beer. One of my favorites from the gold state, it went perfectly with my bayou burger in a west-coast themed restaurant on the east coast.

I know I usually don't mention the fries, but I will here. They were good and crispy, and good too.

Island Burger, I will return to thee. But first, a haiku:

Movie Time - January 2011

I’ve watched a buttload of movies for far this year. This due in equal parts to the fact that I just finished all five seasons of Dexter and need a break from intense serialized storytelling, and that it’s frakking cold outside. I thought I would chronicle my movie escapades for Future Josh to look back upon should he have any hazy memories of his earlier impressions of movies. Also, it might also aid my legions of readers in avoiding a dud or in seeing a movie that they might not otherwise have given a chance. So, in no particular order, here is January’s movielist.

True Grit - “Jeff Bridges is as hard as tempered steel.”--Marc, circa 2004. This movie was freaking awesome. It made me want to change the way I speak, but my attempt at using old timey vernacular wore out it’s welcome when I realized I was just adding the phrase “I reckon” before or after everything I said, I reckon.

I’m Still Here - It’s like watching a well-executed train wreck, except you aren’t sure if the wreck is a stunt or for real. Joaquin Phoenix is really good in this movie, but Edward James Olmos takes the cake. Spoiler warning: there’s dong aplenty in this film.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men - Directed by Jon Krasinski from The Office, I was a little weary of this one, considering the movies he’s chosen to star in (i.e. Leathernecks and Away We Go). But, the Will Arnett connection intrigued me enough to give it a shot. This movie isn’t out and out funny, but it is does illicit some hearty chuckles and it is interesting. Good to watch with a ladyfriend, if only to be able to comment on how little you are like the ‘hideous men.’

The Sting - This movie bugged the crap out of me. Here’s how it went: our grifter heroes detail their entire plan for taking a big score from some mob boss, and then, they enact their plan. Seriously, you could just watch the first 30 minutes and know how the whole movie plays out. A real bore that somehow won best picture.

2012 - To be honest, I still haven’t made it through this movie. I had to stop watching it when I ran out of beer. Needs more Will Smith.

Predators - This is a pretty decent action movie. Better than either of the AVP movies, but not up to the level of the Arnold or Danny Glover versions. I was a little skeptical of Adrian Brody as a leading man bad ass, and I still am, but he’s decent enough in this movie. I couldn’t get over his half-Gob, half-Bale Batman rasp though. Worth a watch.

The Blind Side - I don’t see what all the buzz was about. This was just your generic inspirational sports story. Sandra Bullock was good, but best actress good? This was probably the Academy making up for snubbing her stellar performance in the timeless internet thriller, The Net. Instead of this, watch Cool Runnings, or if you can find it, The Air Up There.

Hopscotch - It’s on Netflix instant and it has Walter Matthau as a scheming ex-CIA agent scheming against his former CIA boss. Turns out I like him much more when he’s scheming against Jack Lemmon. Not a bad movie, but not great either.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - This is one of those movies. You know those movies: the long biopic with tender moments and personal triumphs. It’ll make you feel good and feel like crap. Aside from the whole aging backward thing this didn’t really bring anything new to the table. Good movie, but meh.

In the Line of Fire - Clint Eastwood was still old as crap in the early nineties. He was badass then too.

The Machinist - Christain Bale plays an insomniac skeleton in a movie that conjures comparisons to Memento and Fight Club. Not up to either one of those movies for greatness, but cool nonetheless. Plus it’s got Michael Ironside, who, you guessed it, loses a limb. Poor Rictor, see you at the party indeed. The amputee party that is.

The Road - I read the book in anticipation for this Viggo Mortenson apocalyptic tale and for some reason never got around to seeing the movie. I wasn’t crazy about the book, it was a little too monotone. A hundred synonyms for grey. I feel this is one of the few times that the movie surpasses the book. Some beautiful imagery, bleak as all hell, but beautiful nonetheless. Viggo is great, but when isn’t he? I think he and Christian Bale must have gone on the same skeleton diet. Winter viewing only.

Cheeseburger Haiku - Josh Burger II

Dear Uncle Meat,

I'm back with another heart clogging adventure of Cheeseburger Haiku. This time, I attempted to add another weapon to my arsenal of deliciousness: caramelized onions. I've never caramelized an onion before, or anything else for that matter, so I had to consult the world wide web. It's pretty simple, albeit time consuming. Cut an onion and cook the onion on medium low heat for a freaking hour, stirring occasionally. The onions came out pretty good, but the burger, well that's another story.

So, this Griddler I now use for my meat cooking purposes, it's pretty cool, but it cooks on both sides like a George Foreman Grill. You'd think that that means it cooks twice as fast, but you'd be wrong Uncle Meat. Dead wrong. The burger cooked fast, darned fast and the darned thing ended up being a little dry. But fret not my meaty kin, this dry burger had friends in delicious places.

Cruising on over to Josh Burger 2's facebook page, you'll notice that it has confirmed friendships with such tasty burger additives as: Worcestershire sauce, provolone cheese, chipotle mayonnaise, ciabatta bread and caramelized onions. So even though the burger was a little dry, it's posse kept it from falling into territories of undelicous.

In all, it was a good burger. The thick ciabatta was a workout in itself, but tandemized with the onions caramelize, it made for a savory cud on which to chew. If anything, Josh Burger II will go down as a learning experience. I learned to be more mindful of the Griddler, for the DP cooking method is rough on the meat. And I now know how to make an onion sweet.

Take it easy Uncle Meat, and, enjoy the haiku!


Oh, and those green things on the plate, they're just green fries. Potatoes ain't too ripe round these parts.

Cheeseburger Haiku - Burger Joint

Hey y'all. What's next on tap at the CB-ku? We've got Burger Joint at some fancy schmanzy hotel in Midtown. According to some internet sources, it's the best burger in NYC. I had to see for myself.

The place it's housed in may be fancy, but the burger joint itself was anything but. Made to look like a crummy hole in the wall, the restaurant had a good feel to it. Whether or not the dingy atmosphere was synthetic or authentic in such a ritzy neighborhood is beside the point. We're here to discuss the burger and the burger only. Which, coincidentally, is what I got, seeing as how it is the only option on the menu.

I ordered the burger with cheese, pickles, onions, lettuce and ketchup. It came fast and it came greasy. It wasn't as big as I would have liked, but the meat seemed to go up rather than out, which can be a problem with a lackadaisical chef, but this burger flipper was master of his grill, as it came cooked to the right amount of medium. This burger, like the place, was not fancy. Not that it tried to be; this was the Vin Diesel of burgers, and I mean that in a good way. It was beefy, simple and went down fast & furious. This was the kind of burger that would wear flannel if burgers wore clothes. It was rugged and burly. But more than that, it's simple-ness was likely it's saving grace. It was nice to have a burger with supermarket fixings. The tasty beef was allowed to shine through. And shine it did; perfectly complemented with my root beer. The fries left something to be desired: another burger. Next time will I have enough gumption to be 2 fast 2 furious. Only time will tell. On to the Haiku.

Music Notes: Black Metal

January 2011 - Black Metal
New feature! Follow me as I sum up a month’s worth of my listenings and discuss the awesomeness that is my ever-expanding musical catalogue. My tastes consist of mostly metal and hard rock. Especially metal and hard rock that can also be sub-classified as progressive. I’ve got tons of classic rock on vinyl and I’ve been known to dabble in some funk here and there. Also, HUGE Warren Zevon fan.

The new year started off unlike any other for me, ever. I have been immersed in a real winter season. Snow! Ice! Slush! More Snow! As a result of the cold weather, my musical leanings have taken me somewhere I once vowed to avoid. That’s right, the realms of black metal.

My knowledge of black metal is abysmal (not to be confused with abyssal, which would be roughly the knowledge of someone totally evil, like Satan, or fat nerdy suburban teen), so I won’t pretend to say much on the subject. But what I thought of black metal previously--church burning, face paint and ridiculous spikes--still definitely applies, though there is more to it than that.



I’ve been listening to Agalloch for years now, they are firmly entrenched as one of my favorite all time bands. Recently, they released a new album, Marrow of the Spirit, that was more metal than what I expected from them. That album made me curious, so I checked out the new Enslaved album. The combination of those two albums has opened my eyes to a world of music that I was previously avoiding, due to my previous prejudices against the scene.

Without further ado, here’s a short list of things I’ve been rocking to this month:

Agalloch - Marrow of the Spirit - My favorite album of 2010!
Enslaved - Axioma Ethica Odini - Solid, proggy, black
Alcest - Ecailes De Lune - Downtempo winter tunes
Wolves in the Throne Room - Two Hunters - Intense
The Ocean - Anthropomorphic - Coupled with their previous effort, Heliocentric, this is the only metal I know of that can be classified as philosophy metal
James LaBrie - Static Impulse - Like Dream Theater, but shorter and catchier
Iron Thrones - The Wretched Sun - Post metal done right
Wintersun - S/T - Essential winter listening

Ensiferum - S/T - See above
Jesu - Conqueror - I really can't get tired of this album. Fantastic.
Mastodon - Blood Mountain - Always
Tiamat - Prey - Extremely catchy goth metal
Animals as Leaders - S/T - Solid instrument progressive rock album

Cheeseburger Haiku - Toast

New format!

The amount of work required for the previous iteration proved to be too much work and I felt like I was avoiding eating as many burgers as I should be. So, from here on I'm gonna keep it simple. Plus, with the new format, it'll be ready to go for my eventual Cheeseburger Haiku A Day Calendar I plan on releasing. Only 350+ more haikus.

First up for v2.0: Toast on Bway and 105th. I got the canadian Burger.

Cheeseburger Haiku

The first haiku of the new year is actually the last haiku of the old one. You see, I would have wroted up this haiku when I ated the burger on December 30, but I got blasted in the eye by a laser blast and blast if I couldn't write the blasted thing until now. The burger was the blackened guacamole from Christopher's Burger in Rockridge, Oakland. Right by my old back yard shanty. Earlier in the day I accidentally ate a salad. I swear it was an accident! I slipped on a grease puddle and a bowl of salad fell down my gullet. Needless to say, I needed to get my burger on. And so I did, and it was a blast.

The Burger:


The Haiku:

Oh Guacamole
you are tasty on burger
Crispy, juicy meat

The Aftermath:

Discussion:

This was a tasty burger. Damn tasty. It hit the spot, that's for gosh darn sure. This was the kind of burger that you just have to woof down, and not because Ramon is outside waiting in the car, but because, like a Loggins and Messina album, it's just smooth. I don't mean to say that the burger was pureed and fed to me through a straw (which sounds like a wonderful idea), but that each of the flavors played so nicely with one another that it created a wonderful blend on which to chomp. Over here on the east coast there is guacamole, but, sadly, it's not the same guacamole I know and love as a 25 year resident of CA. So it had that going for it. Was it the best guacamole ever? Probably not, but it did it's job. As for the blackened: I don't know much about blackened beyond the 'tallica song, but on this burger it did add a nice touch of crispyness to the burger. Add pepper jack cheese to that and a touch of pickle and red onion, and we've got a winner. But...

Were not done. You remember when I told you that this burger joint was in a previous 'hood of mine? Well, good for you. There are two things about Christopher's Burger that I love them for and that I have added to my burger repertoire: chipotle mayo and grilled bun. Until I master the art of making mayo, I'll be adding chipotle spice to regular mayo to recreate this delightful smattering of taste. The decadence of a bun slathered with butter and pan fried before being introduced to Mr. Patty is, in a word, decadent. As in: "It may not take an entire decade off of your life, but it will put a dent in those ten years." Zing!

Later that night, I played laser tag. Laser tag is great. Until next burger time with Josh, take it easy.

Happy new year.

Shootout at the Fantasy Factory - Chapter 10 part 2

So, Highwayman is riding a nuke right towards the Winking Moon aka the narrator of this jaunty little blog fiction. Dang.

But…but when he busted through the clouds he opened up the tiniest of gaps allowing the briefest of glimpses into the happenings of the factory floor.

[Camera 3 slow zoom through the clouds] Focus in on the pile of hummus smothering John Barleycorn. It starts to wiggle and then jiggle. It would seem that the scarecrow has some life left in him yet. He reaches a fist out through the hummus; the laser blast didn’t kill him, though he is a little frazzled. He shakes himself free from the tyrannical grip of the pasty dip and emerges to a very dramatic score. [Camera one tight focus and twirl around him, like a Michael Bay movie].

“Barelycorn! You’re alive!” Agent Rainmaker cheered triumphantly.

“It’s Barleycorn,” he said badassedly, wiping the dip from his brow. “Look at what I found.”

What he found was this [camera 2 steady focus on “this”]: an odd contraption with gears and levers and a toaster on the side and an antenna and an attached instruction manual.

Barleycorn scanned the manual for the “Plot Device,” it seemed pretty straightforward to use. He pointed the device and turned the crank, but nothing happened. Stupid plot device!

Highwayman was so close to ‘nooking’ the moon that he was just an udder length away from the cow that was always jumping over the moon.

“Crapola!” Barleycorn exclaimed. “It’s not working.”

“Is it plugged in?” Agent Rainmaker offered.

“Is it plugged in? What? No. You don’t plug in a plot device, it’s just supposed to work, so long as the reader keeps reading. That’s what plot devices do, they move the plot forward.”

“What do we do?”

“We need to move the plot forward.”

“Barleycorn, I’m preggers,” Agent Rainmaker offered up. “And you’re the scare-father.”

“Oh, crap, really?” he said. “But we didn’t even get to get down.”

He tried the plot device again. It still wasn’t working.

“I’m really my twin sister with a brain implant of my brain,” she ventured.

“You’re a man. What?” He said, confused as heck. “That’s not plot, those are just ridiculous soap opera tropes.”

“Oh, sorry. I guess I don’t know what plot is.” She admitted. (That makes two of us.) “What’s the manual say?”

Barleycorn flipped to the troubleshooting section and in big bold letters he read: For the plot device to work properly, John Barleycorn Must Die.

He grimaced and tossed the book down. It should also be mentioned that while the plot device wasn’t saving any days (or moons) at the moment, it did provide a nice force field for Barleycorn. The lasers, Pio! Pio! Pio!, just bounced right off of it.

John Barleycorn didn’t know what to do. He did know that he wanted to live.

“What’d it say?” Agent Rainmaker asked.

He thought for a moment and considered sacrificial herodom. “Nothing. It’s didn’t say nothing.”

Aw, Barleycorn what the heck man? You coulda been the big hero in this piece. I guess I just have to find another way to stop the dastardly Highwayman.

BAM! John Barleycorn is dead! How did it happen? I’ll never tell, but just know that it did happen when you were looking at that diabolical diversion I created.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shootout at the Fantasy Factory - Chapter 10

As soon as he saw the rainbow-farting butterfly fluttering through the rafters of the fantasy factory, Highwayman grabbed a of Mr. Fantasy disappeared in the wink of an eye. Where’d he run off to? Stay tuned for answers coming directly after this shootout…

Pio! Pio! Pio! Laser blasts rang out in the Fantasy Factory.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Joke pistols declared to any literate henchmen within the line of vision that didn’t need corrective lenses.

There had to be a thousand of the henchmen. Probably more. What was even worse was that whenever one fell, it promptly disappeared and two more spawned from some dark corner of the factory. Agent Stiffupperlip and John Barleycorn could only do so much.

“Scarecrow!” Stiffuppeelip yelled out, barely audible over the Pio! Pio! of the lasers. He motioned his straw mate over to a pile of crates that he was using for cover. “This isn’t working. We need back up.”

“Can’t you radio it in?”

“No.” He spat. “They’ve got the Low Spark. Can you imagine what would happen if a whole platoon of suits showed up. The static cling would eradicate everything.”

“Oh sheesh! What do we do?”

“We’ve gotta get my partner and that pant suit into the fight.”

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Bang! Bang!

“Actually her name is Agent Rainmaker,” John Barleycorn declared with a glint moonlight in his eye. “And they’re not called pant suits any more, just suits.”

“You gotta thing for the pant suit there Scarecrow?” Bang! Bang! “Okay, I’ll cover you while you get her outta that damn mime box. Once you got her, I’m gonna need some time to wake my partner up. Got it?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Bang! Bang!

Piopio! Pio! Pio! Pio!

Bang! Bang!

John Barleycorn dashed off into the epicenter of the hummus and Stiffupperlip was doing a bang up job providing cover. Ha!

But just as things were going goodly, Stiffupperlip shot a bigger-they-come henchmen and the harder he fell. A cannonball tidal wave of the pasty, tasty dip washed over the barrier and got some schmootz on his bright Bang! banner.

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Ba__! Ba__! Ba__!

John Barleycorn was trying his darnest to get the invisible mime box holding his (hopefully) beloved Agent Rainmaker. “Hold on Rainmaker! I’ll get you out of there yet—“

“Barelycorn! Look out!” Agent Rainmaker said, making her first speaking appearance since Chapter 6. But it was too little too late. John Barleycorn took a Pio! Pio! Pio! to his straw head.

He fell beneath a pile of goop. Agent Rainmaker began to grieve and, true to her name, her grief manifested in the form of rain.

Rainclouds formed over the roof of the Fantasy Factory and totally obscured my vision.

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Ba! Ba!

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Ba!

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Pio! Pio! Pio!

From the sound of it, things were not going the way of our heroes down on the factory floor.

Since I don’t know what’s going on right at this moment, I’ll take some time to tell you something scandalous that went down around the time Will Smith was supposed to be at a barbecue today.

Pixanne and Esteban Calcutta took refuge from the madness in an emptied out crate. They held each other tight, finding comfort in each other’s arms. And then, they totally started making out; it was all mushy and lovey dovey and all that crap that’s not as awesome as balrogs and not-at-all veiled references to the great progressive rock band Traffic. (Seriously, if you don’t own any Traffic albums, shame on you!)

Let’s see, what else is going on. The balrog hasn’t done much lately; he’s just kind of laying there.

Hmm. The thing at the Labyrinth has all but winded down. Not much to report there.

Giant Baby is asleep in a comically large crib. He’s totally sucking his thumb.

Pio! Pio! Pio!

I don’t really know what else to say. There are still big rain clouds over the roof of the factory. Big, big rain clouds.

Pio! Pio!

Oh! Don’t leave yet! I’ve got it!

Enrick Schmidt the Duck Billed Platypus suddenly realized that he needed to go back to the Fantasy Factory for…something

No. I can’t do that to Enrick. He already lived happily ever after. Sorry, Enrick. It was just a bad dream, go back to sleep.

Well, I guess that just about wraps everything up then. Sorry I couldn’t give you a proper ending to this here story, but I hope you enjoyed it. I mean, it wasn’t that good, but whatever. It’s almost dawn anyways and the Winking Moon has to catch a few z’s of his own. So, until next time, take it easy.

Pio! Pio! Pio!

Wait! What? I thought the lasers were done.

Oh my goodness, there’s a rocket flying out from behind the clouds of the Fantasy Factory.

Highwayman is straddled atop it, grinning from ear to ear. It’s another nuke.

And it’s coming right for me! Er, I mean: it’s heading straight for the Winking Moon!

Dun dun dun!

Dun!

Cheeseburger Haiku

And we're back. Sorry for such a long delay on the Cheeseburger Haiku, where the rigid structure of Japanese poetry and the deliciousness of American cheeseburgery combine. Once again I'd like to take a moment to apologize to all of you devoted C.H. followers. I abandoned my post and I'm sorry. Never again will I let my duties fall by the wayside.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the latest burger on my plate--and I mean that quite literally, for the burger of the day is made by none other than the Josh. Now now, I know what you're thinking, Josh can't haiku a Josh burger. But, too bad, because he's gonna. I'll try to be as fair and honest as I can as far as other burgers are concerned and, not to mention, I live 3000 miles away from my beloved Weber. So, already I'm at a disadvantage.

The Burger:

Yeah, that's Carl Weathers.

The Haiku:

First time Griddler

my New York maiden voyage

Not bad Josh, not bad

The Aftermath:

Discussion:

This is a little strange for me. This was my first time on the Griddler, which is some kitchen contraption used to simulate an indoor grilling experience. It came in the mail a few days back--a gift from C-Note's mom (Thanks Lou!)--as an early Christmas present. As soon as I tore the wrapping off of that bad boy, I knew what had to be done. Burger time with Josh.

As it was my maiden voyage on the Griddler, there were a lot of variables that I was not able to manhandle, such as the heat and the method for getting the perfect grill marks on my meat pad. But, beyond that, there is still one variable that I do, and always will, control: the deliciousness. I am in charge of the deliciousness. And so in honor of my mechanically automated robot companion, or M.A.R.C., or Marc, I made that deliciousness my beeotch. To start, I put on my best grillin' shirt (Bull Shirt) and rubbed some special Weber brand burger seasnins into about a 1/3 pound of meat. While that was griddlin' I fried up some bacon, aka deliciousness' BFF. And to top it off, some Roland brand dill pickles* and ketchup. I had a kaiser roll to top--and bottom-- it off.

*A note on dill pickles: One of the most annoying things about New York has been the pickle chip situation. Hardly any of the seven thousand markets carry dill freakin' pickle freakin' chips! One time I bought some that were clearly labeled dill, and when I chomped into it, I found that I had been deceived. They were not dill but bread and butter. I'm just gonna say it: bread and butter pickles are not the bread and butter of the pickle industry. They're more like the salad, as in, "get that crap away from my burger you damn dirty hippie!"

The burger. It was good, not great, but not the worst. The meat was a little overcooked for my tastes, but that's a chance you take when you're cooking on a double sided griddle. The Roland brand dills were actual dills and went well with the Warren Zevon I put on to get my burger makin' juices flowing. Overall, I'm pleased with the result--it's been ages since I've had a Josh burger. I may not have to wait that long for another because in a week I'll be home and able to spend time with my glorious beloved grill.

One more thing: if you're reading this Carl Weathers, know that I will gladly cook you a Josh original any time you want. I know you're a stew man, but give it a shot.

Shootout at the Fantasy Factory - Chapter 9

Doused in garbanzo, Agent Stiffupperlip scowled at his luck. He was certain that there was plenty of time. Someone was messing with the time stream and from the looks of it, the missile launch was permanently delayed. Chickpeas or no chickpeas, Stiffupperlip had a score to settle.

The henchmen surrounding the weapons were all confused by the sudden dousing of hummus. Stiffupperlip was quick to capitalize on the mayhem, “Scarecrow, are you ready?”

“Yep.” He winced a little as the suit shoved a pole down the back of his shirt. It didn’t feel good; it felt like being back on the farm.

Stiffupperlip devised a plan—a plan that would utilize teamwork and ingenuity. He hucked a huge wad of the gooey stuff over to the corner of the factory, effectively turning the henchmen’s attention. The scarecrow that they didn’t notice was there earlier inched a little closer. When they looked back, they noted the scarecrow, but since it was unmoving they paid it no more attention. A second plop of goop struck the wall and with the henchmen heads turned, Barelycorn moved closer still. When the henchmen looked back to the scarecrow, one of the henchmen thought to say that he thought the scarecrow was closer than before, but he ended up shrugging his shoulders and thinking that it was all just a part of his imagination. Stiffupperlip hurled yet another blob, and so it went until the dingleberry scented scarer of crows was near enough to the cache of weapons to make a grab.

As instructed, Barleycorn threw the remaining roll right stone. As the henchmen closed in on him, he grabbed a gun off of the table and waited for the magic to happen.

Stiffupperlip clenched the stone and gave a nod to the memory of his fallen mentor. This one was for Constable Ballyhoo. Stiffupperlip tossed the roll right stone like a grenade right into center of the henchmen amassing around the scarecrow. “Alfonso Ribeiro!” He shouted with supreme authority.

Moments later, the guy who played Carlton in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air manifested out of the air around the roll right stone.

Alfonso looked around, noticeably upset. “What the heck! Where am I?”

“There’s no time to explain!” Stiffupperlip shouted. “Sing the theme to Reading Rainbow!”

“What?” Alfonso Ribeiro screamed. “I don’t know the theme to Reading Rainbow!”

“But aren’t you that guy who hosted the show and then went on to play Geordi La Forge in Star Trek: TNG?”

“No. I was Carlton in Fresh Prince.”

“No, that’s not you. You’re the Reading Rainbow guy.”

“I am not. My fame is primarily derived from playing Carlton in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air!” Alfonso demanded.

“Okay then, if you’re Carlton, prove it!” Stiffupperlip responded.

It’s worth noting at this moment that half of the henchmen are struggling with John Barleycorn over control of the gun while the other half are a little star struck.

Alfonso put his hands on his hips, “Well, galddarnnit. I guess I’ve got no choice.” He flung his arms out flamboyantly and poof! the gaudiest Cosby sweater ever seen in the land of Make Believe appeared on him. And, oddly, Tom Jones appeared and grabbed a hold of the microphone that Michael Buffer used earlier to announce the start of Highwayman’s rocket launch.

What happened next looked a little like this:

“Oh,” Stiffupperlip said, overjoyed by the brilliant dance display. “I guess you are Carlton. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“I told you. Now can I go home?”

“Yeah no problem,” Stiffupperlip said, digging out his wallet. He fingered through the piles of rubles and clams, eventually settling on a small stack of bacon strips. He handed one strip of bacon over. “Before I send you back home, do you mind telling me who the reading rainbow guy is?”

“Yeah, sure, that was Levar Burton.”

“Oh, right! Levar Burton, I knew that!”

Alfonso stared down at the piece of bacon. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Oh nothing, just say ‘Will Smith’.”

“This is unusual, but, whatever. Will Smith.”

In a flash, Alfonso Ribeiro was gone and standing in his place was the man himself: Will freaking Smith!

“Aw hell no.” He said. “I was supposed to be at a barbecue today. And what the hell is that smell?”

“Garbanzo.”

“Garbanzo?”

“Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Smith. Would you mind saying ‘Tommy Lee Jones’?” Stiffupperlip asked, handing over a strip of the crispy stuff.

“Sure: Tommy Lee Jones.”

And then Tommy Lee Jones came.

“Where am I?” Tommy Lee Jones said.

One of the henchmen felt compelled to speak up. “I didn’t kill my wife,” he declared.

“I don’t care,” he looked down to see that he had been handed a strip of bacon.

After a seemingly innocuous request, Tommy Lee Jones said…

Clint Eastwood appeared.

“Mr. Eastwood,” Stiffupperlip said. “All these thugs are planning on standing on your lawn later.”

Clint Eastwood gritted his teeth and pulled out his magnum and said “Do you feel luck punk? Well, do ya?” He shot a henchman in the face. “Get off my lawn,” he sneered.

Stiffupperlip smiled in delight and handed over another piece of bacon. He only had two more left. He realized that he didn’t have a plan to get to Levar Burton, that he was just naming off his favorite actors as they occurred to him. “Uh, excuse me, Mr. Eastwood. Have you ever been in a movie with Levar Burton?”

“No.” He spat.

“I terribly sorry Mr. Eastwood. Does anyone have a smartphone?” Stiffupperlip asked. A henchmen, who was still enthralled by Dirty Harry, handed one over.

Stiffupperlip went over to imdb.com and found the bio for Levar Burton. Scrolling down through the list of his roles, he smacked himself on the forehead. There it was: he already had his answer.

He was in Ali with Will Smith. Stiffupperlip kicked himself; he really wanted to see that movie, but for some unknown reason, never got around to it. When he got home he was going to put it in his Netflix queue.

Stiffupperlip knew what he had to do, but it meant not being able to see Morgan Freeman. That was upsetting. “Mr. Eastwood, could you say ‘Tommy Lee Jones’?”

Clint Eastwood gritted his teeth more and warned the bastards to stay off his lawn. Tommy Lee Jones appeared and didn’t care that somebody didn’t shoot his wife. Will Smith came and was wearing an apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ and he had a spatula in his hand. On that spatula was a burger. He was finally at his barbecue. Stiffupperlip put his last strip of bacon on the burger and made his final request. Will Smith was thankful for the bacon this time; he had a hankering for a bacon burger but didn’t want to run back to the store.

“Levar Burton.”

And just like that, with six strips of Kevin® brand bacon, Agent Stiffupperlip turned Alfonso Ribiero in to Levar Burton. It didn’t take much coaxing or cajoling to get Levar Burton to sing the Reading Rainbow theme. And it went something like this:

By the end, all of the henchmen were reliving their first grade experiences and wishing that they never dropped out of school. It was a touching moment and at the end of it, everybody in the building was literate. Which meant that they could read real good.

John Barleycorn was so happy that he almost forgot the plan. But when Agent Stiffupperlip screamed, “Scarecrow! The plan! It’s time to enact it!” he remembered the plan. Barleycorn pulled the trigger on the gun and a colorful flag flew out of the barrel, it said: ‘BANG!’ Now literate, the henchmen read the banner and toppled over dead. Yet more henchmen fallen to the allure of crime. They never received their money in return for their villainy, which just goes to show that crime does not pay. And, even if it did, the benefits are paltry at best. No dental and no 401k plans, what a gyp.

Agent Stiffupperlip ran over the pile of henchmen bodies and grabbed another weapon off of the table. Bang! Bang! Bang! The gun said to more of the readin’-henchmen.

And so began what would later be recorded in the history books as ‘The Shootout at the Fantasy Factory.’