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| Horns |
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Music Notes 3.11
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Cheeseburger Haiku - Fortago Burger Bar
That was rough.
My goodness, has it really been over a month since my last Haiku? For shame, Josh. For shame. I am disappoint.
I don't know if you've seen those ads on TV lately, those PSAs warning about the dangers of BWS, but let me tell you firsthand: Burger Withdrawal Syndrome is no laughing matter. Sure, the ad may portray it as humorous in an attempt to illicit the kind of emotional response that will make you think twice before skipping burger time. But what they don't tell you about is what it does to your innards (which, if I'm not mistaken, is comprised of guts, black stuff, and about fifty Slim Jims). BWS carries with it the very real risk of lost weight (never mind those fliers you're throwing up on vacant buildings and lampposts all over town, it ain't coming back), extra energy (I mean, really, who wants to take the stairs up that half flight of stairs, when you can take the lift to the second floor and come down a half flight?) and a non-offensive odor (kiss those beefy toots good-bye). No matter which way you look at it, BWS is something to be avoided at all costs. Heed my words my burger brethren. Heed them well.
My goodness, has it really been over a month since my last Haiku? For shame, Josh. For shame. I am disappoint.
I don't know if you've seen those ads on TV lately, those PSAs warning about the dangers of BWS, but let me tell you firsthand: Burger Withdrawal Syndrome is no laughing matter. Sure, the ad may portray it as humorous in an attempt to illicit the kind of emotional response that will make you think twice before skipping burger time. But what they don't tell you about is what it does to your innards (which, if I'm not mistaken, is comprised of guts, black stuff, and about fifty Slim Jims). BWS carries with it the very real risk of lost weight (never mind those fliers you're throwing up on vacant buildings and lampposts all over town, it ain't coming back), extra energy (I mean, really, who wants to take the stairs up that half flight of stairs, when you can take the lift to the second floor and come down a half flight?) and a non-offensive odor (kiss those beefy toots good-bye). No matter which way you look at it, BWS is something to be avoided at all costs. Heed my words my burger brethren. Heed them well.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Movie Time - 3.11
Hey folks, I'm still experimenting with formats and such. I'm not sure if I want to update this column monthly or just whenever I get caught up on reviews. We'll just have to see how it pans out for me. As an added bonus for all you readers out there who subscribe to Netflix, clicking the pictures will bring you there for ease of updating your queue. Here's the latest batch of movies.
Gone Baby Gone - This movie was not what I expected at all. I thought this was the Beiber biopic what I got instead was an Affleck joint with a heap of Ed Harris and a dollop of Morgan Freeman. In this movie, an Affleck and his girlfriend get hired to augment the police investigation of a missing girl (the eponymous ‘Baby’), and after a series of twists and turns find that the case of the missing youth is a lot more complicated than once thought. The mystery elements play out well, and the Affleck, which happens to be Casey Affleck, is pretty convincing as a tough guy with a weenie physique. The final twist at the end really gets you thinking, which I thought was a pretty powerful note to end on.
Gone Baby Gone - This movie was not what I expected at all. I thought this was the Beiber biopic what I got instead was an Affleck joint with a heap of Ed Harris and a dollop of Morgan Freeman. In this movie, an Affleck and his girlfriend get hired to augment the police investigation of a missing girl (the eponymous ‘Baby’), and after a series of twists and turns find that the case of the missing youth is a lot more complicated than once thought. The mystery elements play out well, and the Affleck, which happens to be Casey Affleck, is pretty convincing as a tough guy with a weenie physique. The final twist at the end really gets you thinking, which I thought was a pretty powerful note to end on.
Books is Good, Mostly - Volume 2
On Writing - Stephen King
What a splendid read! One of the things that keeps me coming back to King’s books is the down to earth, almost anecdotal way he narrates his stories. He doesn’t get too bogged down in themes and symbolism all that much, but rather just spins a good yarn. One thing that always grates on me about his writing is that the tale will invariably contain a main character who is a writer, or be set in Maine, or be about a writer living in Maine.
On Writing is no different.
I feel like this book is essential reading for any aspiring writers out there, but that’s not to say that it is only limited to budding wordsmiths. As usual, King tells it how it is. To paraphrase, “A bad writer will never be a mediocre writer and a good writer will never be a great writer, but with persistence a mediocre writer can become a good writer.” That right there is the best piece of advice I got from the book. To put it bluntly, some people suck and shouldn’t write while others have a natural talent. For the rest of us, it just takes some hard work. Good to hear from the master.
The book covered some pretty personal tales from King’s past as an alcoholic and a drug addict, even mentioning that he was totally coked out most of the time he was writing Tommyknockers (which might explain the sour taste that book left in my mouth). There’s some inspirational moments as he overcame first the addictions and then the infamous car accident that nearly left him dead in a ditch. In both cases, he claims that (along with the love of his family and such) writing saved him.
It’s easy to see why the guy turns out 800 page book after 800 page book year after year: he loves what he does. That’s pretty cool. This is definitely getting a reread.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Coming to New York? Read This
Hey folks, if anyone out there in blogsville is planning on paying me a visit in NYC, here's my mission for you. You will not be allowed into the Alan Dale unless the following conditions are met:
Before going to the airport, take Bart to Mission/ 16th Street. Head east down 16th until you reach Bryant. Turn left. Walk one block north until you reach 1590 Bryant. You will see a store called Sports Basement. Go in there.
Now, head to the camping aisle. Look for the portable food storage units, you may know them as coolers. Find a small snack collapsible lunch cooler with reflective thermal lining and an extra pocket for ice/ heat packs. Select one that is both affordable and fashionable, preferably something that goes with your air travel ensemble. Next, look for instant heat packs. You're going to want something that is not liquid based, for insurance purposes. If you can not find a variety that is not liquid or gel based, make sure you find one that is under 3.5 ounces by volume. Purchase at least two packs, unless they come in a two pack, then one will suffice. At the register be as discreet as possible, you don't want to tip anyone off as to what you're doing. Get cash back if you haven't any, you'll need it.
Once you've got the supplies, on to your next mission. Go back towards the Bart station stop, but go past it until you reach 3071 16th Street. Go in there. On the wall, you will see a menu, it will be in a language that is foreign to you. The language barrier shouldn't matter. Go to the counter and ask for Jose, he will take care of you. Tell him that you want the following: a super burrito (burr-eat-oh) on a flour tortilla (tor-tea-a) with carnitas (car-neat-ahz). He will say something to you, smile like you understand. Say 'black beans.' If he says anything else, just nod in agreement. Once the order is complete, exchange money for the package. It will be wrapped in foil. This is good, foil is your friend. Before leaving the establishment, put the package in the container you bought.
Get back on the Bart train and head for the airport. Take the appropriate actions in getting to your plane, but be mindful of the package. There are people there, at the airport, they will appear to be security agents and ask you to reveal the contents of your package. For goodness sake, don't let them confiscate the cargo. It is too precious!
After boarding the plane, you must remain vigilant, for at any time, the contents of your carry-on luggage can get cold. You must avoid this at all costs. When the foil lining is just a few degrees above the ambient, ignite the first heat pack and place it next to the package. This should keep it warm for the first leg of your trip. Opening the container at this point will release a delicious aroma into the cabin. It will likely tempt you into unsheathing the foil wrapping. DO NOT EAT MY BURRITO.
Stay mindful of the temperature of your cargo, never letting it drop too low. Use the other heat pack when necessary. Hopefully by then you will have disembarked the plane and be on the subway. This will be your most difficult test, for you see, though New York is hailed as the cultural epicenter of America, it is actually a barren wasteland populated by deprived individuals. Most of them have never eaten a decent burrito and will do anything to intercept the package. Two operatives have been lost on previous missions, but I trust that you will be able to drive back the masses.
Upon arriving at your destination, hand the package over and watch as I woof that bad boy down. After my burrito coma has subsided, I will gladly put on any suspenders you wish.
This is your mission, you have no choice but to accept it.
Before going to the airport, take Bart to Mission/ 16th Street. Head east down 16th until you reach Bryant. Turn left. Walk one block north until you reach 1590 Bryant. You will see a store called Sports Basement. Go in there.
Now, head to the camping aisle. Look for the portable food storage units, you may know them as coolers. Find a small snack collapsible lunch cooler with reflective thermal lining and an extra pocket for ice/ heat packs. Select one that is both affordable and fashionable, preferably something that goes with your air travel ensemble. Next, look for instant heat packs. You're going to want something that is not liquid based, for insurance purposes. If you can not find a variety that is not liquid or gel based, make sure you find one that is under 3.5 ounces by volume. Purchase at least two packs, unless they come in a two pack, then one will suffice. At the register be as discreet as possible, you don't want to tip anyone off as to what you're doing. Get cash back if you haven't any, you'll need it.
Once you've got the supplies, on to your next mission. Go back towards the Bart station stop, but go past it until you reach 3071 16th Street. Go in there. On the wall, you will see a menu, it will be in a language that is foreign to you. The language barrier shouldn't matter. Go to the counter and ask for Jose, he will take care of you. Tell him that you want the following: a super burrito (burr-eat-oh) on a flour tortilla (tor-tea-a) with carnitas (car-neat-ahz). He will say something to you, smile like you understand. Say 'black beans.' If he says anything else, just nod in agreement. Once the order is complete, exchange money for the package. It will be wrapped in foil. This is good, foil is your friend. Before leaving the establishment, put the package in the container you bought.
Get back on the Bart train and head for the airport. Take the appropriate actions in getting to your plane, but be mindful of the package. There are people there, at the airport, they will appear to be security agents and ask you to reveal the contents of your package. For goodness sake, don't let them confiscate the cargo. It is too precious!
After boarding the plane, you must remain vigilant, for at any time, the contents of your carry-on luggage can get cold. You must avoid this at all costs. When the foil lining is just a few degrees above the ambient, ignite the first heat pack and place it next to the package. This should keep it warm for the first leg of your trip. Opening the container at this point will release a delicious aroma into the cabin. It will likely tempt you into unsheathing the foil wrapping. DO NOT EAT MY BURRITO.
Stay mindful of the temperature of your cargo, never letting it drop too low. Use the other heat pack when necessary. Hopefully by then you will have disembarked the plane and be on the subway. This will be your most difficult test, for you see, though New York is hailed as the cultural epicenter of America, it is actually a barren wasteland populated by deprived individuals. Most of them have never eaten a decent burrito and will do anything to intercept the package. Two operatives have been lost on previous missions, but I trust that you will be able to drive back the masses.
Upon arriving at your destination, hand the package over and watch as I woof that bad boy down. After my burrito coma has subsided, I will gladly put on any suspenders you wish.
This is your mission, you have no choice but to accept it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Music Notes 2.11
The cold weather must end! My new found love of black metal correlates exactly with the amount of snow on the ground. As it turns out, I can only listen to so much black metal so thank Satan that the sun is starting to show itself and the days are getting longer. Got plenty of rain this month, which I’m finding lends itself well to heavier progressive rock stylings.
From here on out, I’ll just highlight six albums that I found particularly rocking for the month with a bonus vinyl selection. I am by no means a music journalist (my range of describing music runs from rocking to not-rocking), so I’ll try my best to explore topics other than musicianship or songwriting abilities, like my history with the band or album, and the particular mood the music evokes. Without further hullabaloo, here are six for February:
Tool - 10,000 Days - Never quite grew on me like the rest of their catalogue, but it’s Tool, so it rocks more balls than most. It’s got some weird parts, and you can definitely hear the Meshuggah reference. The coolest part might how they recorded ‘Viginiti Tres’ to sync up with ’Wings for Marie’ parts 1 and 2 to make one mega song.
Warrel Dane - Praises to the War Machine - Like Nevermore, but mellower. Definitely a showcase for Warrel Dane’s lyrical and vocal prowess, which is a little more political than his Nevermore efforts. There’s a lot to like here, and it’s different enough from Nevermore to keep me reaching for it in equal measure with his other stuff. The main downside of this album: no songs about sentient robots.
Ahab - Call of the Wretched Sea - As it turns out, I enjoy music about the great American epic Moby Dick more than I like the book itself. Here we have some crushing doom metal lyrically inspired by the monomaniacal captain of the Pequod. I generally keep this type of music reserved for warmer climes, but as I neared the end of the book, I needed something to keep me going. For the last 60 or so pages of the book I read with this album on in the background on repeat. I must say that it really added to the atmosphere of the book. Doom is a great genre for background music, with its slow pace and sub guttural growls, and Call of the Wretched Sea has both of those things by the barrel full.
Blind Guardian - At the Edge of Time - This came out a about five months ago and it still feels new, the songs just haven’t settled in to my Blind Guardian database. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. The album runs the gamut from epic to rollicking to ballad-y, and carries with it the unblemished sheen than has become the hallmark of BG production values over the past few albums. From A Night at the Opera to A Twist in the Myth, this album is very much the next Blind Guardian album. They have their sound and they are sharpening and refining it; this album doesn’t pull too many new tricks out of the bag. Though the album feels a little stagnant, I’m not sure that their lack of progression is the cause of it. Perhaps I’m just partial to their back catalogue and this one needs more time to saturate. Overall, I like the album and I want to like it more--up to the level of their other efforts. A few more listens are in order, and that shouldn’t be a problem because Blind Guardian are one of the few bands that I listen to year round and at any temperature.
Oddysey - Schematics - This four song EP offers some some instrumental progressive rock that is definitely worth a listen. The best part: it’s free. You can download the entire album at odysseyspokane.bandcamp.com. I really enjoy the style of music they play and am always looking for new bands to expand my musical knowledge, but I probably never would have checked this band out has this album not been free. Free! I think this is a wonderful way for up and coming bands to get exposure. I’m definitely going to keep my eye on this group and see where they go from here. I think more bands should do this to bring in more listeners. More listeners means more fans means more concerts and merchandise sold. Check this band out if you like solid instrumental rock. Did I mention it’s free?
Evergrey - The Glorious Collision - So I was scanning this list last week when it occurred to me that Evergrey had a new album coming out. Considering I am pretty much out of the loop these days, it wasn’t a big shock for me to just be discovering this. Evergrey is one of those bands that I’d never list among my favorites but I still reach for their stuff more often than most other stuff I have. The price was decent so I ordered it on Amazon. Though I’ve only listened to it a few times, I’m pretty sure I’m going to like this album as I am a sucker for Tom Englund’s vocals. We’ll see how this album stacks up against their back catalogue.
Judas Priest - Unleashed in the East - Yes! I freaking love this album. Having been a Priest fan for about seven years now it’s always been a secret shame of mine that I never had this album. So when I saw it on vinyl, I had to fork over the cash. I’m glad I did. This live album plays like a greatest hits of early Judas Priest, except more amped up on leather. Great album. Judas Priest! Yes!
From here on out, I’ll just highlight six albums that I found particularly rocking for the month with a bonus vinyl selection. I am by no means a music journalist (my range of describing music runs from rocking to not-rocking), so I’ll try my best to explore topics other than musicianship or songwriting abilities, like my history with the band or album, and the particular mood the music evokes. Without further hullabaloo, here are six for February:
Tool - 10,000 Days - Never quite grew on me like the rest of their catalogue, but it’s Tool, so it rocks more balls than most. It’s got some weird parts, and you can definitely hear the Meshuggah reference. The coolest part might how they recorded ‘Viginiti Tres’ to sync up with ’Wings for Marie’ parts 1 and 2 to make one mega song. Warrel Dane - Praises to the War Machine - Like Nevermore, but mellower. Definitely a showcase for Warrel Dane’s lyrical and vocal prowess, which is a little more political than his Nevermore efforts. There’s a lot to like here, and it’s different enough from Nevermore to keep me reaching for it in equal measure with his other stuff. The main downside of this album: no songs about sentient robots.
Ahab - Call of the Wretched Sea - As it turns out, I enjoy music about the great American epic Moby Dick more than I like the book itself. Here we have some crushing doom metal lyrically inspired by the monomaniacal captain of the Pequod. I generally keep this type of music reserved for warmer climes, but as I neared the end of the book, I needed something to keep me going. For the last 60 or so pages of the book I read with this album on in the background on repeat. I must say that it really added to the atmosphere of the book. Doom is a great genre for background music, with its slow pace and sub guttural growls, and Call of the Wretched Sea has both of those things by the barrel full.
Blind Guardian - At the Edge of Time - This came out a about five months ago and it still feels new, the songs just haven’t settled in to my Blind Guardian database. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. The album runs the gamut from epic to rollicking to ballad-y, and carries with it the unblemished sheen than has become the hallmark of BG production values over the past few albums. From A Night at the Opera to A Twist in the Myth, this album is very much the next Blind Guardian album. They have their sound and they are sharpening and refining it; this album doesn’t pull too many new tricks out of the bag. Though the album feels a little stagnant, I’m not sure that their lack of progression is the cause of it. Perhaps I’m just partial to their back catalogue and this one needs more time to saturate. Overall, I like the album and I want to like it more--up to the level of their other efforts. A few more listens are in order, and that shouldn’t be a problem because Blind Guardian are one of the few bands that I listen to year round and at any temperature.Oddysey - Schematics - This four song EP offers some some instrumental progressive rock that is definitely worth a listen. The best part: it’s free. You can download the entire album at odysseyspokane.bandcamp.com. I really enjoy the style of music they play and am always looking for new bands to expand my musical knowledge, but I probably never would have checked this band out has this album not been free. Free! I think this is a wonderful way for up and coming bands to get exposure. I’m definitely going to keep my eye on this group and see where they go from here. I think more bands should do this to bring in more listeners. More listeners means more fans means more concerts and merchandise sold. Check this band out if you like solid instrumental rock. Did I mention it’s free?Evergrey - The Glorious Collision - So I was scanning this list last week when it occurred to me that Evergrey had a new album coming out. Considering I am pretty much out of the loop these days, it wasn’t a big shock for me to just be discovering this. Evergrey is one of those bands that I’d never list among my favorites but I still reach for their stuff more often than most other stuff I have. The price was decent so I ordered it on Amazon. Though I’ve only listened to it a few times, I’m pretty sure I’m going to like this album as I am a sucker for Tom Englund’s vocals. We’ll see how this album stacks up against their back catalogue.Vinyl selection of the month:
Judas Priest - Unleashed in the East - Yes! I freaking love this album. Having been a Priest fan for about seven years now it’s always been a secret shame of mine that I never had this album. So when I saw it on vinyl, I had to fork over the cash. I’m glad I did. This live album plays like a greatest hits of early Judas Priest, except more amped up on leather. Great album. Judas Priest! Yes!Movie Time - 2.11
Hey folks, here's a round up of the movies I watched in February.
City of God - This movie reminded me a lot of my childhood growing up in the slums of San Lorenzo, aka the City of Ducks. The movie nicely weaves together the stories of several people coming of age in some pretty bleak conditions. This movie is not a feel good movie in the least, but the characters are so charismatic and alive that you sometimes forget what a craphole situation they’re in. Awesome movie but be warned, this is what I like to call one of them ‘reading movies.’
Timecrimes - Another one of them reading movies, this time from Spain. This one has an interesting time travel concept, where a dude encounters some bad stuff and is given a second chance to make things right by the use of milky time travel tech. I must say that while the concepts of this movie were good (time travel, spying of a woman undressing in the woods, etc.), the execution was iffy at best. I felt like the dude bro was just doing things because that was the way the movie was scripted, either that or he’s really stupid. Oh well, it was worth a shot. I feel like I’ll have a better chance with Terry Gilliam’s Time Bandits for some crimes in time. Check back soon; it’s in my queue.
The Game - This was one of my faves but over the past seven or eight years I’ve fallen out of touch with it. The movie is good--a total mindfrack. My biggest qualm with the movie nowadays is the ending: after the unexpected twist ending, Michael Douglas should be pissed off. A lot pissed off. But instead, he’s all like “Oh, whatev’s. Thanks for the B-day gift, Bro Sean Penn.”
Ratatouille - For all my love of Pixar, I had never previously seen this movie. For some reason or another I just never had the opportunity to do so, and the one time I did sit down to watch it I accidentally took an angry nap (you know, the kind of nap where you wake up sweating and really upset). After that, I was in no mood to continue. So a year and a half later, I finally got this on Blu-Ray and gave it a gander. Surprise, surprise, I enjoyed it. Leave it to the good folks at Pixar to make likeable characters of rats and the French. The movie didn’t knock my socks off, but even a middle of the pack Pixar movie is head and shoulders above most other animated crap out there. Did you hear they’re making a Shrek 5? I hope I’m joking.
F for Fake - A 1970’s documentary about some world class fakery, as presented by Orson Wells, who I have to say, is a truly wonderful narrator. Think James Earl Jones mixed with Shatner. The hoaxes presented herein are about a painter who got a bunch of his works into various art museums under the assumption that they were bona fide originals from famous artists. Another was about the Howard Hughes Biography hoax. The main thing I got from this movie is that the so-called experts are actually just “experts.” By using their expertise to define their expertise, it didn’t take much for the wool to be pulled over their eyes. 
Exam - I love these kind of movies: eight people in a room given eighty minutes to figure out the answer to a question. Except they don’t know what the question is. The person to answer correctly gets the job (this is in the near future, at some super mega corporation). Similar to The Cube, but not as many elaborate death traps. It’s great to watch people go from cooperation to fisticuffs when put in seemingly impossible situations. I love to watch how humanity crumbles when all bets are off, like after I bust ass in the subway and riots break out. Ha!
Robocop - Balls awesome.
That's all for this month. Thanks y'all.
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