Cheeseburger Haiku - Big Nick's

Big Josh and Big Nick

Is there such a thing as the best burger in the world? Let's ponder on this for a moment. The art of burger is a fairly rigid one; for a cheeseburger to be a cheeseburger it must take on the following attributes: a bun, a ground patty of meat (no veggies please, I'm a purist) and cheese. That's it, that's a cheeseburger. With those three ingredients one can conquer nations or poison the masses, or anything in between those two extremes. Through combinatorial calculations it can be estimated that with all of the breads to bake, cheeses to melt and animals to grind, that there are approximately five trillion possible different cheeseburger configurations, and this isn't even taking into account levels of cooked-ness. All those possible burgers and I haven't even mentioned ketchup, mustard, bacon, double bacon or mushrooms or any of a thousand things that can top a burger. There are a lot of possible burgers, many of which have never been eaten. For instance, I'm thinking of a ground flamingo burger with American cheese on challah bread. Has anyone had that? Oh yeah smart guy, well then I'll just top it off with a splash of Tobasco and ham and pastrami.

Fun fact: if I were to eat a burger once a second for the known age of the universe then I would be as fat as the universe.
Did you ever wonder why the universe is always expanding? It's because the supreme Burgermeister is constantly eating burgers and growing his waistline. That's right, the universe is nothing more than a burger consumption machine. Why is there such turmoil in the world? Because different cultures, different tastes, different available burger ingredients all add up to maximize the number of earth-derived burgers. All war, struggle and hatred exist in the world to aid in the eternal quest for the greatest burger, for if there was such a thing, then the universe would cease to be. Once the best burger existed, the supreme Burgermeister would end his timeless search.

I, for one, take solace in the notion of unattainable burger perfection. Just because something cannot exist because its existence eradicates Existence doesn't mean that we can't all be just a little bit like the great consumer of cosmic meats. So sit back, my burger brethren, and enjoy your cheeseburger, maybe even reflect on it and write a haiku. There is no wrong way to eat a burger and no such thing as a wrong burger. Except, of course, for the stupid veggie burger.

Now that I've brought you up to speed on the Universal Burger Corollary, I can discuss the Big Nick burger. It was not the best burger in the world. This was not surprising to me. Was it a good burger? Yes it was a good burger. It fulfilled its burgerly duties. Quite.

The Big Nick burger definitely lives up to it's 'big' modifier, as this thing was beastly in design. I got the Big Nick with guacamole, jack cheese and bacon, cooked medium with a side of waffle-cut fries and washed it all down with a cola beverage. The bread? I couldn't pin down the bread; it was bread-y, though it did assume some qualities more befitting of a croissant, those being a tinge of sweetness and some flakiness. The burger was sturdy as it was massive, and I had very little trouble putting it down between chomps. (It would take someone with the strength of Kevin 'Big Sexy' Nash to keep this juggernaut up for the duration.) The ill-defined bread did not succumb to SBB and actually went quite well with my Big Nick, despite it's Frenchy tendencies. One downside was the guacamole, which was a little too watery for me.

This has gone on long enough, and so, the haiku: