Cheeseburger Haiku - The Motherburger

We all knew this day would come: the Cheeseburger Haiku heads back to it's roots, the mythical town of San Lobobo, as decreed in prophecy, to eat, and enjoy, the fabled Motherburger. Nigh twenty-six years ago, an unfathomable awesomeness was unleashed upon the earth, as though Pandora's box contained Van Halen 1.5--a full ten tracks between "On Fire" and "You're No Good" unheard by mortal ears; a version of Rocky IV where Apollo Creed knocks the Russian out in one punch and celebrates alongside James Brown to finish the last verse of "Living in America" whilst dancing over the felled Russian; and lastly a dog that plays the main riff to Warren Zevon's "Werewolves in London" on the piano and howls the chorus. That awesomeness would go on to eat a lot of burgers, many of them Motherburgers, and develop a deep appreciation for all that is burgery. The return of the prodigal burgerboy-turned-burgerman, inevitable though it was, happened upon a most welcome welcoming.

The showdown with the Motherburger happened on an evening not unlike any other evening. A cool breeze blew through the dust-blown streets of Lobobo, a solitary tumbleweed paused impatiently and waited for a family of ducks to cross the street, and a group of young boys, each named Louie B., played marbles in the street speaking in the rough accent of 50 year smokers. Ordinary night, until the Cheeseburger Haiku brushed in past the screen door and ordered (actually, was offered any dinner of his choosing because he's such a widdle cutie pie) the Motherburger.

Contrary to what the media tells you, we do not only eat burgers. That is an false claim spread by them no-good wollywoggers at Sandwich Sonnet. The truth is, the royal we heartily enjoy the burrito. The Cheeseburger Haiku ate a burrito before attempting the Motherburger. Hold onto this nugget of knowledge for later in the review.

Dinner time came and we were still full from the burrito, not to mention the nachos that were devoured sometime between burrito and burger. I wasn't going to let that hold me down. I wasn't going to let that take my pride, oh no, I had to keep on chomping. The Motherburger, as grilled by YT, was delicious. Actually, it was more like two fat guys standing out in the cold with their shirts off holding signs, one that is just a big "D" and the other that says "lishus." Here's the poop: bacon, avocado, colby jack cheese, ketchup, and the secret weapon: Weber Grill Mates burger seasonings mixed in to the meat. A side of homemade potato salad and some fruit salad straddled the Motherburger, while a green salad hovered off in the distance like a stupid moon. Normally, we don't mess with green stuff, but it was furnished by grandma, so I had to be polite and all. Bah! Lots of fixin's to accompany an already massive burger. The showdown was to be one for the ages. And let's not forget to mention the delicious homebrew provided by Booze Brothers Inebriated.

Chomp. Woof. Garble woof. Garble woof chomp. Garble. Garble. Chomp chomp chomp. Woof chomp garble woof chomp chomp garble. Woof. Woof. Woof. Fart. Gobble gobble gobble gobble. Fart fart fart. It was an epic battle, but in the end, the Motherburger bested me. Though I demand a rematch.

Cheeseburger Haiku - The Pollard

MONTANA - Recently the cheeseburger haiku eating team went abroad into Big Sky country and stopped at the newest hotspot in the bustling town of Red Lodge, MT. As soon as we disembarked off of the plane in Montana we knew that eating vegetables was off of the table; it is, after all, home to more cows than people [1].

In the land known to them Spanish-speakin' types as 'Mountain,' I knew I would be in for a burger extravaganza, since this is the state that one slaughtered a whopping 17 cows to produce the world record 6,000 pound burger [2]. Six-thousand pounds people! LBs! As in Lotta Burger.

Friday: lunch time: belly a-rumblin': only one option: burger time: that burger: the Pub Burger from: The Pollard Pub; diagnosis: delicious [3].

The burger was ordered off of the menu [4] and came with the following ackootremah: Irish style Bacon, White Cheddar, Grilled Onion, Lettuce, Tomato and Herb & Garlic Mayonnaise. All of that on a Cheboughtta bread roll. Disclaimer: the Pollard is the fanciest place in Red Lodge, which explains the extravagance of the $9.95 price tag on this beast of a burger.

The Cheeseburger Haiku would not have gone to such a hoity toity place as this if it weren't for my city ways. As I inquired about town as to where might be the best place to procure a burger, I was met by grizzled stares of the locals and felt as though they were peering into my soul. They knew I was a city boy. 'City boy, huh?' They'd scowl with a soothing voice the sound of a spoon in the garbage disposal. After hawking a wad into common-as-streetlights spittoon, they'd say, 'Try the Bollard, you lily livered crapturd.'

Apparently 'crapturd' is a common derogatory term for out-of-towners in the land of big sky [5].

Anyway, to the Pollard the CB-ku crew went and we were impressed. The burger was magnificent. Every single bite was delicious and I could not recommend this burger enough. This is the kind of burger that you plan entire vacations for, hell, retirements even!

Well, it wasn't that good. But it was pretty damn good and that's that. [6].

Cheeseburger Haiku - Corner Bistro

A burger was eaten by me at the Corner Bistro, located at 331 West 4th St. in the West Village. According to many, this is among the best burgers NYC has to offer. According to me, it was oddly formed.

In what many burgerologists decry as heresy, the Corner Bistro bucks all trends and has the nerve to call a meatball between two buns a burger. Quite a risky move, if I may say so myself, to put a ball of meat where a stout cylinder is the norm. In avoidance of the dramatic, I'd like to disclose that it was not, in fact, a meatball rather it was a thick burger (almost 2''maximum girth) and was actually pretty small as a bird would see it. That is, it was big on the z-axis yet Cartesianlly challenged. I, and many of my burgerologist colleagues, maintain that this is not the proper way to form a patty. A burger should be round on the edges only with a gentle--gentle--tapering towards the center to ensure that the thickness of the patty never exceeds one-half of its radius.