Cheeseburger Haiku - The Motherburger

We all knew this day would come: the Cheeseburger Haiku heads back to it's roots, the mythical town of San Lobobo, as decreed in prophecy, to eat, and enjoy, the fabled Motherburger. Nigh twenty-six years ago, an unfathomable awesomeness was unleashed upon the earth, as though Pandora's box contained Van Halen 1.5--a full ten tracks between "On Fire" and "You're No Good" unheard by mortal ears; a version of Rocky IV where Apollo Creed knocks the Russian out in one punch and celebrates alongside James Brown to finish the last verse of "Living in America" whilst dancing over the felled Russian; and lastly a dog that plays the main riff to Warren Zevon's "Werewolves in London" on the piano and howls the chorus. That awesomeness would go on to eat a lot of burgers, many of them Motherburgers, and develop a deep appreciation for all that is burgery. The return of the prodigal burgerboy-turned-burgerman, inevitable though it was, happened upon a most welcome welcoming.

The showdown with the Motherburger happened on an evening not unlike any other evening. A cool breeze blew through the dust-blown streets of Lobobo, a solitary tumbleweed paused impatiently and waited for a family of ducks to cross the street, and a group of young boys, each named Louie B., played marbles in the street speaking in the rough accent of 50 year smokers. Ordinary night, until the Cheeseburger Haiku brushed in past the screen door and ordered (actually, was offered any dinner of his choosing because he's such a widdle cutie pie) the Motherburger.

Contrary to what the media tells you, we do not only eat burgers. That is an false claim spread by them no-good wollywoggers at Sandwich Sonnet. The truth is, the royal we heartily enjoy the burrito. The Cheeseburger Haiku ate a burrito before attempting the Motherburger. Hold onto this nugget of knowledge for later in the review.

Dinner time came and we were still full from the burrito, not to mention the nachos that were devoured sometime between burrito and burger. I wasn't going to let that hold me down. I wasn't going to let that take my pride, oh no, I had to keep on chomping. The Motherburger, as grilled by YT, was delicious. Actually, it was more like two fat guys standing out in the cold with their shirts off holding signs, one that is just a big "D" and the other that says "lishus." Here's the poop: bacon, avocado, colby jack cheese, ketchup, and the secret weapon: Weber Grill Mates burger seasonings mixed in to the meat. A side of homemade potato salad and some fruit salad straddled the Motherburger, while a green salad hovered off in the distance like a stupid moon. Normally, we don't mess with green stuff, but it was furnished by grandma, so I had to be polite and all. Bah! Lots of fixin's to accompany an already massive burger. The showdown was to be one for the ages. And let's not forget to mention the delicious homebrew provided by Booze Brothers Inebriated.

Chomp. Woof. Garble woof. Garble woof chomp. Garble. Garble. Chomp chomp chomp. Woof chomp garble woof chomp chomp garble. Woof. Woof. Woof. Fart. Gobble gobble gobble gobble. Fart fart fart. It was an epic battle, but in the end, the Motherburger bested me. Though I demand a rematch.