Did you know that the top 1% of all burgers have 40% of all burger deliciousness? Or how about that 133 out of the country's best 150 burgers contain bacon, while 78 of that number contain avocado or guacamole. Some say that those two ingredients are unfairly represented on the tasty burger scale, claiming that the ratings are skewed by some outside, malevolent influence. Lately, a lot of people getting up in arms about the inequality of burger deliciousness. Which is why we here at the Cheeseburger Haiku have decided to Occupy Burger Town.
Burger Town is not a place, but a state of mind, or, more specifically, a state of eating--burgers. Every time you are woofing down a burger, the population of Burger Town rises by one. Founded concurrent to the first time someone slapped a hamburger patty between a bun and chompy chomped it, Burger Town has a rich, storied past. Through the years it has been frequented by billions of passers-by, tourists and time-share owners. No one can live in Burger Town permanently, they can only visit it whenever hunger strikes. This hasn't stopped people from trying, however.
Harking back to the 17th century was Hansel von Grawbadinger who tried to continuously eat burgers. Having shoved an impressive 62 cheeseburgers down his throat in just three hours, he died due to drowning in meat, or as the Arkmoor Tribune claimed: "He was strong of both heart and mouth. Twas the insufficient processing at the back end which provided his his demise." Then there was Wilma 'The Gnasher' Harrington who squandered her widow's inheritance on constructing a burger as big as her house. After eating out the center, she lived in the burger house and ate the walls whenever hunger struck, dying a few weeks in to the endeavor due to spoiled meat. And who can forget Augustus H. Cromwell, the scourge of Brighton Rock, who famously trained mice to cook the tiniest burgers ever ("No bigger than a kitten's nipple," as he would often note), so that he may throw back a continuous stream of burgers into his gullet. The plan worked to perfection until delirious old Miss Crenshaw from up the street left the stove on after morning tea and burned her forty-six room manor down, letting loose an army of malnourished, borderline feral house cats into the neighborhood, where they quickly got smart to the mouse-burger factory. Suffice it to say, but Burger Town was overrun with cats during the autumn of 1907, which led to the provision in the Burger Town town charter proclaiming a standard size for admission (and thereby excluding the burger appetizer commonly referred to as the 'slider').
With all of those who have spectacularly failed to occupy Burger Town in the past, what makes us at Cheeseburger Haiku think we're up to the task? We're not, at least not by ourselves. The Cheeseburger Haiku is calling on you and the rest of our burger brethren to take up arms by taking up burgers. Munch down those delicious all-beef patties at any opportunity you get, and when to arrive in Burger Town, take up the chant of the people: "We are the Cheeseburger Haiku! We are the Cheeseburger Haiku!" Make yourselves heard. Tell the world that all burgers should be delicious. That just because a burger commingles with bacon or successfully lobbies for guacamole that it isn't inherently better than the other burgers, or a big, unfair-share-of-deliciousness hoarding jerk burger. Those burgers shouldn't be punished for their deliciousness. It's the other burgers that need to step it up. Let's make bacon the standard and provide an opt-out policy for any weirdos who don't appreciate it. Let's subsidize the guacamole business so that it's as common as ketchup. Take it to the streets of Burger Town. Tell it to the Burgermeister: I am the 99% (who love burgers with bacon and guacamole).
That's what we here at the 575 did this past weekend. We marched right on into the Island Burger (new location!) and ordered the Pepe, consisting of bacon, guacamole, blackened, grilled onion and lettuces. It was a right-good burger, one I've already written about, and thus making it the first repeat burger on the Cheeseburger Haiku.
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