Sorry to leave y'all high and dry on the burger haiku front for these past few weeks, but the staff of Cheeseburger Haiku decided to take a little hiatus coming out of the intense summer season. But forget all that, we're back now and that's what matters. The first burger to start the new school year is from Elevation Burger, a quasi-hippie burger joint.
"Quasi-hippie?" You're probably saying to yourself in disgust. I understand, and I'm sorry, but I was hungry and I had just finished bowling (for the low, low price for $12.95 a game) and I needed a burger. This place looked like it sold burgers, so the good folks of Cheeseburger Haiku decided to test the waters. Allow me to explain you what a quasi hippie burger place does: 1) they don't feed their cows with spare cow parts and instead feed them lawn clippings, 2) they let their stupid cows just go wherever they want and make them suffer through the agony of flies buzzing around they heads instead of dousing them with bug spray while they out in yon fields, 3) they cook their fries in the same stuff that the ancient Greeks used to bathe themselves in (olive oil), and 4) they sure as shit like drawing your attention to just how eco-friendly their food is.
Here at the Cheeseburger Haiku, we prefer to eat meals from cows that have been fed other cows, which grew to slaughterin' size on other cows, which ate their mama cows, and so on. This is because of the concept of compound deliciousness. If one cow is delicious, then certainly a cow fed other cows would delicious plus some fraction of deliciousness from the old cow. Some quack scientist will tell you that this could lead to mad cow disease, but we say psshha! more like mad-delicous cow. The only thing that could be mas delicioso would be if the cows were hand-fed bacon by John Goodman.
Additionally, we are of the consensus that the freedom to range freely is a cage in and of itself. In the age of the constant media blitz, we are bombarded with choice after choice after choice. There is so much to do that most people usually end up doing nothing but reading burger blogs day in, day out. Our freedom of choice actually restricts us, which is why the best art is not free-form, open-ended art, but highly structured art with strict rules and guidelines. I'm talking about the 5-7-5. I'm talking about the haiku. The Cheeseburger Haiku. Now if the cows are out gallivanting around, surfing the internet, flipping through the channels and just being generally blase about life, then they're not going to focus on the timeless art of being delicious. We need to get them cows back on the factory floor and submit them to 24 hours a day of sub-, supra-, and ultra- liminal deliciousness training.
So how about the burger? I got the Elevation Burger, which is double meat, double cheese (real cheddar), with my choice of toppings. I chose pickles, grilled onions, ketchup and lettuce. When I got the burger, it became apparent that this was just fancy fast food. It came wrapped in paper and was all greasy with the cheese oozing out. It looked pretty promising. It tasted a little like grass. Just a little though. The olive oil-fried fries were overcooked and soggy, requiring copious amounts of ketchup. The brightest spot of meal time was the root beer--which I believe was call Wild Bill's Root Beer. This root beer was fed root beer directly into it's roots and so on and so forth down the line back to the time when Wild Bill himself first decided he likee him some root beer.
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