The henchmen surrounding the weapons were all confused by the sudden dousing of hummus. Stiffupperlip was quick to capitalize on the mayhem, “Scarecrow, are you ready?”
“Yep.” He winced a little as the suit shoved a pole down the back of his shirt. It didn’t feel good; it felt like being back on the farm.
Stiffupperlip devised a plan—a plan that would utilize teamwork and ingenuity. He hucked a huge wad of the gooey stuff over to the corner of the factory, effectively turning the henchmen’s attention. The scarecrow that they didn’t notice was there earlier inched a little closer. When they looked back, they noted the scarecrow, but since it was unmoving they paid it no more attention. A second plop of goop struck the wall and with the henchmen heads turned, Barelycorn moved closer still. When the henchmen looked back to the scarecrow, one of the henchmen thought to say that he thought the scarecrow was closer than before, but he ended up shrugging his shoulders and thinking that it was all just a part of his imagination. Stiffupperlip hurled yet another blob, and so it went until the dingleberry scented scarer of crows was near enough to the cache of weapons to make a grab.
As instructed, Barleycorn threw the remaining roll right stone. As the henchmen closed in on him, he grabbed a gun off of the table and waited for the magic to happen.
Stiffupperlip clenched the stone and gave a nod to the memory of his fallen mentor. This one was for Constable Ballyhoo. Stiffupperlip tossed the roll right stone like a grenade right into center of the henchmen amassing around the scarecrow. “Alfonso Ribeiro!” He shouted with supreme authority.
Moments later, the guy who played Carlton in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air manifested out of the air around the roll right stone.
Alfonso looked around, noticeably upset. “What the heck! Where am I?”
“There’s no time to explain!” Stiffupperlip shouted. “Sing the theme to Reading Rainbow!”
“What?” Alfonso Ribeiro screamed. “I don’t know the theme to Reading Rainbow!”
“But aren’t you that guy who hosted the show and then went on to play Geordi La Forge in Star Trek: TNG?”
“No. I was Carlton in Fresh Prince.”
“No, that’s not you. You’re the Reading Rainbow guy.”
“I am not. My fame is primarily derived from playing Carlton in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air!” Alfonso demanded.
“Okay then, if you’re Carlton, prove it!” Stiffupperlip responded.
It’s worth noting at this moment that half of the henchmen are struggling with John Barleycorn over control of the gun while the other half are a little star struck.
Alfonso put his hands on his hips, “Well, galddarnnit. I guess I’ve got no choice.” He flung his arms out flamboyantly and poof! the gaudiest Cosby sweater ever seen in the land of Make Believe appeared on him. And, oddly, Tom Jones appeared and grabbed a hold of the microphone that Michael Buffer used earlier to announce the start of Highwayman’s rocket launch.
What happened next looked a little like this:
“Oh,” Stiffupperlip said, overjoyed by the brilliant dance display. “I guess you are Carlton. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“I told you. Now can I go home?”
“Yeah no problem,” Stiffupperlip said, digging out his wallet. He fingered through the piles of rubles and clams, eventually settling on a small stack of bacon strips. He handed one strip of bacon over. “Before I send you back home, do you mind telling me who the reading rainbow guy is?”
“Yeah, sure, that was Levar Burton.”
“Oh, right! Levar Burton, I knew that!”
Alfonso stared down at the piece of bacon. “What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Oh nothing, just say ‘Will Smith’.”
“This is unusual, but, whatever. Will Smith.”
In a flash, Alfonso Ribeiro was gone and standing in his place was the man himself: Will freaking Smith!
“Aw hell no.” He said. “I was supposed to be at a barbecue today. And what the hell is that smell?”
“Garbanzo.”
“Garbanzo?”
“Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Smith. Would you mind saying ‘Tommy Lee Jones’?” Stiffupperlip asked, handing over a strip of the crispy stuff.
“Sure: Tommy Lee Jones.”
And then Tommy Lee Jones came.
“Where am I?” Tommy Lee Jones said.
One of the henchmen felt compelled to speak up. “I didn’t kill my wife,” he declared.
“I don’t care,” he looked down to see that he had been handed a strip of bacon.
After a seemingly innocuous request, Tommy Lee Jones said…
Clint Eastwood appeared.
“Mr. Eastwood,” Stiffupperlip said. “All these thugs are planning on standing on your lawn later.”
Clint Eastwood gritted his teeth and pulled out his magnum and said “Do you feel luck punk? Well, do ya?” He shot a henchman in the face. “Get off my lawn,” he sneered.
Stiffupperlip smiled in delight and handed over another piece of bacon. He only had two more left. He realized that he didn’t have a plan to get to Levar Burton, that he was just naming off his favorite actors as they occurred to him. “Uh, excuse me, Mr. Eastwood. Have you ever been in a movie with Levar Burton?”
“No.” He spat.
“I terribly sorry Mr. Eastwood. Does anyone have a smartphone?” Stiffupperlip asked. A henchmen, who was still enthralled by Dirty Harry, handed one over.
Stiffupperlip went over to imdb.com and found the bio for Levar Burton. Scrolling down through the list of his roles, he smacked himself on the forehead. There it was: he already had his answer.
He was in Ali with Will Smith. Stiffupperlip kicked himself; he really wanted to see that movie, but for some unknown reason, never got around to it. When he got home he was going to put it in his Netflix queue.
Stiffupperlip knew what he had to do, but it meant not being able to see Morgan Freeman. That was upsetting. “Mr. Eastwood, could you say ‘Tommy Lee Jones’?”
Clint Eastwood gritted his teeth more and warned the bastards to stay off his lawn. Tommy Lee Jones appeared and didn’t care that somebody didn’t shoot his wife. Will Smith came and was wearing an apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ and he had a spatula in his hand. On that spatula was a burger. He was finally at his barbecue. Stiffupperlip put his last strip of bacon on the burger and made his final request. Will Smith was thankful for the bacon this time; he had a hankering for a bacon burger but didn’t want to run back to the store.
“Levar Burton.”
And just like that, with six strips of Kevin® brand bacon, Agent Stiffupperlip turned Alfonso Ribiero in to Levar Burton. It didn’t take much coaxing or cajoling to get Levar Burton to sing the Reading Rainbow theme. And it went something like this:
By the end, all of the henchmen were reliving their first grade experiences and wishing that they never dropped out of school. It was a touching moment and at the end of it, everybody in the building was literate. Which meant that they could read real good.
John Barleycorn was so happy that he almost forgot the plan. But when Agent Stiffupperlip screamed, “Scarecrow! The plan! It’s time to enact it!” he remembered the plan. Barleycorn pulled the trigger on the gun and a colorful flag flew out of the barrel, it said: ‘BANG!’ Now literate, the henchmen read the banner and toppled over dead. Yet more henchmen fallen to the allure of crime. They never received their money in return for their villainy, which just goes to show that crime does not pay. And, even if it did, the benefits are paltry at best. No dental and no 401k plans, what a gyp.
Agent Stiffupperlip ran over the pile of henchmen bodies and grabbed another weapon off of the table. Bang! Bang! Bang! The gun said to more of the readin’-henchmen.
And so began what would later be recorded in the history books as ‘The Shootout at the Fantasy Factory.’
No comments:
Post a Comment