Hello all you burger lovers out there, today we've got a very special Cheeseburger Haiku in store for you. In this very special episode of Cheeseburger Haiku, we are going to tear off the cover and take a look inside the workings of this tightly run cheeseburger expose. After reading this you--yes you!--will be able to create your own Cheeseburger Haiku. The following is a step by step walk through of everything you need to know about the art of Cheeseburger Haiku, set to the tone of our most recent cheeseburger escapade: Paul's Da Burger Joint, part deux.
Step 1: Decide to eat a burger. This is the easiest step, because if you're anything like us then eating a burger is your default state and you actively have to restrain yourself from eating burgers every moment of every day. Example: it was a Saturday, and we were all like 'Mmm. Burgertime.' And then bam! it was burger time.
Step 2: Pick yo' burger venue. To pick your burger place, assess your surroundings. Are you near a grill? Then consider throwing some hamburger on the barbie. Is it 2 o'clock in the morning and you hella crunk? Jack in the Box it is. Remember: this is America, and in America you can get a burger at any and every restaurant. And if they don't have burgers, you need to do what every red-blooded American is bound to do: call the CEA, the Cheeseburger Enforcement Agency. Example of how to pick a burger venue: Man, that Paul's Da Burger Joint was the bee's knees last time we ate there, let's hop on the 2 train and take a ride to the lower east side. (Note: your though process does not have to sound like a beat poet.)
Step 3: What kind of burger do you want? To decide what burger you want to eat, consult your belly. It shant steer you wrong. If you want bacon (You want bacon.) get bacon. If you want avocado get avocado, but we all know what you really want is guacamole. How do you want it cooked? What kind of cheese? These are the types of questions that a real take-charge, go-getter can answer with minimal practice. You can do it! Example: Paul's has a burger entitled the Soul Burger. It has ham on it. It has bacon on it. Done, decision made. Bring it to us at once wench!
Very important: you will want to devour the burger the moment it hits the table. You must restrain yourself for long enough to take a photograph, preferably with a digital camera of some sort.
Step 4: Eat the burger. No explanation necessary. Example: I eated the burger.
Step 5: Reflection. As you pat yourself dry from the unavoidable meat-sweats, ponder your experience. Here at the Cheeseburger Haiku, the actual act of eating the burger is somewhere between a Buddhist trance and a moment of meat-induced mindless insanity. Try to do your best to recall: what you liked, what you disliked, how the bottom bun held up, etc. Like the half pound of meat you just ate, the reflecting may take up to several days to fully digest. Example: After eating da Soul Burger, I got crunk off of several Belgian beers.
Step 6: Haiku time. Now's the time to shine. A haiku is a Chinese poem that has only three lines, so it sucks a lot less than other poems. The first and third line have five syllables apiece, while the middle line has seven, making it the biggest, or meatiest, part of the poem. Be creative, describe your burger, the experience, anything burger related. We like to use a web service called picfont to place the text on the picture. Example:
I've always said that fan haikus were encouraged, but now I'm going to do one more: the two best reader submitted Cheeseburger Haikus will be awarded a download code for an album of their choosing*.
*Assuming their choosing is either Clutch - Strange Cousins From the West or Queens of the Stone Age - Queens of the Stone Age.
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